Hello Autumn

Mood: Pleased

I feel like success is being made and the urge to binge and purge is almost non existent. I actually opened the fridge and the pantry and saw all of this fattening food I could shove into me and it all looked like stuff I would have normally enjoyed but at the same time, the thought of eating a lot made me cringe and the actual sight of the food looked so gross to me. I decided that I needed to eat something for lunch because I have a major test tonight and I can't let hunger gnaw at my stomach and distract me from studying. Here's a food log for the past few days.

Tuesday:

CALORIES:600

Wednesday:

breakfast= reduced fat banana coffee cake and a coffee at starbucks [550]

lunch= raw carrots and celery [80]

dinner= nothing

CALORIES: 630

It's been so hard to not eat around the boyfriend because he's persistent in making me. I was hoping to be around 500 cals for each day but what can you do? Today is going much better,  I had a headache last night and I was exhausted but I've been drinking a lot of water today and had a small snack so I feel good to focus on my exam. Today I've only eaten a small slice and a half of everything bread with some smart balance to keep me going for the whole day and night so maybe:

Thursday:

CALORIES: 200

I'm in love with the weather today, it's mid 70 degrees and a cool breeze and as I sit here and look out the window, I can see leaves falling from the trees while the wind rips through them and it's a miraculous scene. The sun is shining through the branches and giving the ground a golden orange glow, I can see the neighbors have pumpkins out by the their front door and I came to realize that I'm in love with autumn. Simply beautiful.

-Kennedy

LOL

Mood: Content 
Music: "Fixed at Zero" by VersaEmerge

I haven't been writing because I forgot that I created a new e-mail for this blog and couldn't remember it for the life of me, but I finally figured it out.

I'm really excited to go read a bunch of posts and leave some love, I've barely posted on here and have already had such sweet comments in return. You all are incredible and I teared up a little just knowing that I'm not alone. It's weird to walk around all day and interact with so many people in the day and it never crosses my mind that any of them could be suffering from the same feelings as me.

I'm in a pretty good mood today, no fasting like I planned thanks to the boyfriend forcing a pita sandwich thing on me for lunch, I feel bad refusing or trying the whole "I'm honestly not hungry" story because I can see it in his eyes that he's kicking himself for accidentally calling me fat when he meant to say fag (but he knows how I despise that word) and I cave in and eat to please him because I don't want him to feel like anything is his fault.

Tomorrow=PROGRESS :]

EPIC FAIL

EPIC FAIL is the only few words that come to my mind when I think about last night and today. I can't stand it when people think they need to intervene and force you to eat. Yesterday was torture thanks to my boyfriend who was fully aware that I wasn't planning on eating thanks to his comment the day before so of course I got away with barely any food until dinner..

DAMAGE

Monday:

bf=nothing

lunch=less than half of a chicken salad sandwich

dinner= 1/2 chipotle burrito bowl and a tortilla

CALS: 1,000

Literally, I wanted to die. So I was stoked to fast today because I was at work and chose to stay late so that way I could avoid going home at noon and having my family yell at me to eat. So it was a perfect plan in my head, and then... a "lovely" friend decides to do a "nice favor" as an apology to me and bring me a subway sandwich. Really? Could my life get anymore difficult? To top it off, he wanted to sit with me and eat. Fail..

I can't wait to not eat one more thing today and go to cycle class at least. I'm seriously getting tears as I write this.

Tuesday's Intake

bf= starbucks (300 cals)

lunch=subway chicken terriyaki sandwich (400 cals)

dinner=nothing (i know this ahead of time)

CALS: 700

Tuesday's Outtake

Cycle Class 60 min Vigorous (-780)

OVERALL TOTAL:

-80 calories

Being in a negative makes me feel a little better about yesterday but there's a lot of work to be done and a lot of weight to lose. I hope everyone is doing better than me and having a good day. I send you all my love



Post 1: History of What's Been Implicit

For the sake of this blog, My name is Kennedy. I'm 20 years old and have been dealing with an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. I can recall always wanting to look skinnier, longing to be what I saw as beautiful. Around 9th grade, I was introduced to Mia and Ana, we got along great and I they seemed to be giving me everything I dreamed of. I could watch the pounds melting away, the feeling of control and power was overwhelming. Before I knew it, I couldn't get enough and nothing was good enough for me. I began binging and purging daily and before I could wrap my head around what was happening, my parents had me in therapy. It seemed to help for a short time period but I soon relapsed when it ended. About 2 years, I starting throwing up blood and that was when I realized Mia had to go. Ana didn't hesitate to introduce herself to me and I found a new way to get what I wanted and wouldn't have to worry about purging. I fell in love and eventually poured this all out to my boyfriend when he started to question why I wasn't eating much and spent 4 hours a day at the gym sometimes. He tried so hard to help me and fix me and I can say he did do a tremendous job. Though he forced me to eat for what seemed like a decade he has caused me an immense weight gain and a body that I can't even look at. I've fasted as much as possible but with him around daily and living at home again it's been difficult.

The other day my boyfriend suffered from word vomit and he called me fat. He said he meant to say fag but knew how much I despise that term and said unconsciously it came out as fat as a way to not say fag. Whether he meant it or not I can't stop thinking about it and haven't been able to focus, function, eat, or drink.

I needed a way to vent and I need to find people to communicate with who are struggling with me, I figured blogging would do the trick. I used to xanga in the past but it has turned into young preteens pretending and trying to be anorexic and bulimic and I didn't benefit whatsoever from it. This blog will also serve as an intake and outtake log for me as a visual reminder of my progress or my failure.