Post 1: History of What's Been Implicit

For the sake of this blog, My name is Kennedy. I'm 20 years old and have been dealing with an eating disorder for as long as I can remember. I can recall always wanting to look skinnier, longing to be what I saw as beautiful. Around 9th grade, I was introduced to Mia and Ana, we got along great and I they seemed to be giving me everything I dreamed of. I could watch the pounds melting away, the feeling of control and power was overwhelming. Before I knew it, I couldn't get enough and nothing was good enough for me. I began binging and purging daily and before I could wrap my head around what was happening, my parents had me in therapy. It seemed to help for a short time period but I soon relapsed when it ended. About 2 years, I starting throwing up blood and that was when I realized Mia had to go. Ana didn't hesitate to introduce herself to me and I found a new way to get what I wanted and wouldn't have to worry about purging. I fell in love and eventually poured this all out to my boyfriend when he started to question why I wasn't eating much and spent 4 hours a day at the gym sometimes. He tried so hard to help me and fix me and I can say he did do a tremendous job. Though he forced me to eat for what seemed like a decade he has caused me an immense weight gain and a body that I can't even look at. I've fasted as much as possible but with him around daily and living at home again it's been difficult.

The other day my boyfriend suffered from word vomit and he called me fat. He said he meant to say fag but knew how much I despise that term and said unconsciously it came out as fat as a way to not say fag. Whether he meant it or not I can't stop thinking about it and haven't been able to focus, function, eat, or drink.

I needed a way to vent and I need to find people to communicate with who are struggling with me, I figured blogging would do the trick. I used to xanga in the past but it has turned into young preteens pretending and trying to be anorexic and bulimic and I didn't benefit whatsoever from it. This blog will also serve as an intake and outtake log for me as a visual reminder of my progress or my failure.